AMERICA: Hello? Teachers? Hi, it’s America. Yeah, it’s been a while since we talked. So, how are you doing? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Listen, if I can just interrupt--I don’t really care. I was just being polite. Yeah. Well, I’ll tell you why I’m calling. So, I need a favor. Yes, another one. Well, it’s kind of a big one. But you have to admit, I’ve been great to you so far, right? What? I haven’t? Well...what about when I said ketchup was a vegetable in school lunches? Wasn’t that a good--no? Well, anyway, here’s the favor. You know how I undertook the grand human endeavor of stating that every American would receive a quality education that surpassed anything in human history? And you remember how I hired the best people to accomplish that? And you remember how I said I wasn’t really going to pay you tremendous amounts of money, partially because I could only get the womenfolk to do it in the beginning? ‘Member that? Oh, you do? Well. I’m going to add just a tiny new wrinkle to the job. Remember how I kept adding students to your classes until it’s nearly impossible to make any significant human connection and your expertise and skill is spread out and diluted? No, I’m not going to reduce the number. What a funny notion! No, we’re going to make it where you won’t actually be with them. No, you heard me right. They’ll be at their homes. I’m perfectly serious. No, this isn’t a joke. You will be one place and they will be in other places. Oh, except in some districts in the nation--some places, I’m going to just toss them all back at you and hope that this COVID thing I’ve been hearing about doesn’t turn out to be real. So I--listen, you’ve got to stop laughing. I’m being totally serious. Yes, that’s how it’s going to be. For as long as I keep deciding that wearing masks and going to crowded bars is more important than public health, that’s how long. And here we go with the laughing again. I’ll wait. Finished? Okay. So do everything you used to be doing, just do it from a distance. I’ll call it “Distance Learning.” Sounds good, right? What? Good Lord no, of course we’re not going to take anything away. Matter of fact, funny you should mention that. I’ll tell you why. You know how way back at the beginning school was just the “three R’s?” Reading, ‘Riting, and ‘Rithmatic? Huh. No, I guess it wasn’t a good sign that two of the three of those didn’t actually start with “R.” That was probably a red flag. But listen. So that’s how it was way, way back? And then I added in a whole bunch of other stuff? Science, history, world language, visual, performing, and practical arts, physical fitness, health, sex ed...sheesh, remember that? When I said that schools ought to teach that, because I was noticing that kids were getting all kinds of weird, inaccurate stuff about...I’m getting to the point. My point is that I keep asking you to do more and more. Not just teach academic subjects, but also artistic and athletic ones, too. And hold big-time sports games. And musical concerts. And plays. And art exhibits, robotics teams, debate squads, cheerleaders, reserve officer training corps for future soldiers, firefighting training and stuff? And remember how I said you were responsible for feeding kids, checking them for lice, making sure they weren’t bullied or becoming bullies? Making sure they were safe on campus--in many cases, that being the only safe place they know? Remember how I asked you to love them, even when no one else would? Remember how I asked you to shield them from harm?
Remember how I asked you to die for them at Columbine? Red Lake High? Sandy Hook? Saugus High School?
I’m here to ask for more.
I need you to do everything you used to do--the whole list--and do it from a distance. I need you to look out for their emotional health while you teach them. I need you to make sure they are accountable but do it in a nurturing way. I need you to do it using technology you and they barely understand. I need you to be on the lookout for and help students with special needs, language barriers, emotional disturbances, monetary challenges, and signs of abuse. I need you to find a way to nurture students who are searching for themselves, their sexual identities, their racial identities. I need you to guide them in their quest for a place in this nation and this world--a world that all too often is cold, unwelcoming, and dark.
No, there’s no raise involved. No, there’s no extra time. Look, you already get summers off. Yes, I realize you didn’t get THIS summer off, but you got paid for all the training you did, right? No? Oh. Well, you still get summers off normally. And some other breaks. Yes, I know you’re not paid for that time. Well, you will at least have the thanks of a grateful nation. What’s that? You hear people screaming at you that you’re lazy, you don’t produce goods, you want to stay at home and relax? You have seen people post stuff about how the Union is a terrible thing, and you should feel lucky to have a job at all, since you obviously can’t actually DO anything?
I didn’t know that. So what am I asking? I’m asking all of that. No, I’m afraid I’m not offering anything else. Nope. No raise. And I guess respect is kind of dying out, too. You have to understand, parents are pretty mad about, well, everything, and who better to take it out on than you guys? You have to admit, you guys put up with pretty much anything.
So, what do you say? Can you do me this favor?
TEACHERS: Show me to my students.
AMERICA: I knew I could count on you.
Remember how I asked you to die for them at Columbine? Red Lake High? Sandy Hook? Saugus High School?
I’m here to ask for more.
I need you to do everything you used to do--the whole list--and do it from a distance. I need you to look out for their emotional health while you teach them. I need you to make sure they are accountable but do it in a nurturing way. I need you to do it using technology you and they barely understand. I need you to be on the lookout for and help students with special needs, language barriers, emotional disturbances, monetary challenges, and signs of abuse. I need you to find a way to nurture students who are searching for themselves, their sexual identities, their racial identities. I need you to guide them in their quest for a place in this nation and this world--a world that all too often is cold, unwelcoming, and dark.
No, there’s no raise involved. No, there’s no extra time. Look, you already get summers off. Yes, I realize you didn’t get THIS summer off, but you got paid for all the training you did, right? No? Oh. Well, you still get summers off normally. And some other breaks. Yes, I know you’re not paid for that time. Well, you will at least have the thanks of a grateful nation. What’s that? You hear people screaming at you that you’re lazy, you don’t produce goods, you want to stay at home and relax? You have seen people post stuff about how the Union is a terrible thing, and you should feel lucky to have a job at all, since you obviously can’t actually DO anything?
I didn’t know that. So what am I asking? I’m asking all of that. No, I’m afraid I’m not offering anything else. Nope. No raise. And I guess respect is kind of dying out, too. You have to understand, parents are pretty mad about, well, everything, and who better to take it out on than you guys? You have to admit, you guys put up with pretty much anything.
So, what do you say? Can you do me this favor?
TEACHERS: Show me to my students.
AMERICA: I knew I could count on you.
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