I’m not writing. I give advice to people who ask me (had an ex-player from way, way back consult with me about his writing) about how to write and I say, “write every day” even though I myself do not. I can make all kinds of excuses–in fact I do–but how can I call myself a writer if I don’t actually write? Simple. I can’t.
I’ve been thinking about how fearful I am. See, my current book idea is what I’d consider a Good One. I love the Beltrunner series (or “saga,” as my publisher insists on calling it) but I wouldn’t say it’s idea-based. The idea is not particularly original. But the one I’ve been working on seems like forever is an IDEA. And those aren’t three-to-a-penny. So then, you’d think, I should be on fire writing this.
I think I’m afraid. Afraid of two things, really. First, that I won’t be able to execute the idea perfectly. As long as the idea remains in my mind unchained to actual words, it can remain unblemished. But when I go to write it, I might dirty it. So I think part it it’s that. But I think–hell, I KNOW–that the main fear is that I’ll write this good idea, and I’ll write it well, and it will go nowhere. No one will want it, no one will pick it up. I’ll have had my best shot and I came up short. With Betlrunner, I’ve got a secure publisher–the fine folks at EDGE. But as pleasant as they are, and as good as they’ve been to me, they’re still small press. If I want to truly make this writing thing work, I need to break into the big markets. And I’m scared that this idea, this Enclave 454 idea (Glenn’s title) simply won’t be good enough. And then what? I can’t pretend that I submitted a half-baked bad book. I’ll have done my best and my best won’t be enough. That’s what I am scared of. It’s like a weird perversion of that tired Gretzky quote–”you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Sure, but until I’ve taken that shot, I haven’t missed, right, Wayne?
So I use the excuse that I’m tired, or it’s late, or I have other things to do (which are all true, I suppose) to keep me from writing. But the simple truth is that I’m terrified.
Maybe I should try and use that. Writing from a position of terror and uncertainty might help me get into Toska’s mind. Because honestly–I haven’t “got” her yet. I have her backstory and history and stuff, but I don’t truly have her down. Is there such a thing as Method Writing?
I can also use simple shame on myself. Shame is a powerful motivator. I feel ashamed that I espouse these belching platitudes about how a writer works, but then I don’t actually do it.
Jesus, this was a rough blog post. Be seeing you.
I’ve been thinking about how fearful I am. See, my current book idea is what I’d consider a Good One. I love the Beltrunner series (or “saga,” as my publisher insists on calling it) but I wouldn’t say it’s idea-based. The idea is not particularly original. But the one I’ve been working on seems like forever is an IDEA. And those aren’t three-to-a-penny. So then, you’d think, I should be on fire writing this.
I think I’m afraid. Afraid of two things, really. First, that I won’t be able to execute the idea perfectly. As long as the idea remains in my mind unchained to actual words, it can remain unblemished. But when I go to write it, I might dirty it. So I think part it it’s that. But I think–hell, I KNOW–that the main fear is that I’ll write this good idea, and I’ll write it well, and it will go nowhere. No one will want it, no one will pick it up. I’ll have had my best shot and I came up short. With Betlrunner, I’ve got a secure publisher–the fine folks at EDGE. But as pleasant as they are, and as good as they’ve been to me, they’re still small press. If I want to truly make this writing thing work, I need to break into the big markets. And I’m scared that this idea, this Enclave 454 idea (Glenn’s title) simply won’t be good enough. And then what? I can’t pretend that I submitted a half-baked bad book. I’ll have done my best and my best won’t be enough. That’s what I am scared of. It’s like a weird perversion of that tired Gretzky quote–”you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Sure, but until I’ve taken that shot, I haven’t missed, right, Wayne?
So I use the excuse that I’m tired, or it’s late, or I have other things to do (which are all true, I suppose) to keep me from writing. But the simple truth is that I’m terrified.
Maybe I should try and use that. Writing from a position of terror and uncertainty might help me get into Toska’s mind. Because honestly–I haven’t “got” her yet. I have her backstory and history and stuff, but I don’t truly have her down. Is there such a thing as Method Writing?
I can also use simple shame on myself. Shame is a powerful motivator. I feel ashamed that I espouse these belching platitudes about how a writer works, but then I don’t actually do it.
Jesus, this was a rough blog post. Be seeing you.
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