"You should write a book about everything that goes on here!"

I have no doubt that in all kinds of professional settings, those words (or a variation thereof) are spoken among the battle-hardened veterans of the job. You name the career, and I am certain that there are stories about the workplace. 

Just look at all the "workplace" shows that have been on TV in just the past few years. It's one of the most common settings because so many of us have experience in the genre. Almost all of us know what it is to go to a workplace, deal with co-workers and superiors, contend with obstacles, and balance a social life with a professional one. 

Some of these workplace stories--comedic, dramatic, or some mixture of the two--focus on sites that we associate with high drama: a hospital, a police station, a government agency, and the like. 

But many others focus on the most mundane of places: a small paper company, a community college, a municipal parks department, and so on.

My daughter and I have noticed something, though: of all the workplace dramas, comedies, and "dramedies," there have been very few ones about a public high school. Yes, I'm sure you're naming some right now, but how many of those are decades old? Welcome Back, Kotter and the White Shadow haven't been on the air in a long time.

Rather than wait for a show about public high school I'd like to watch, I decided that I would just write one myself.

It's a little bit new--both the idea of writing something that's not science-fiction, and writing a screenplay--but I guess I just feel like writing it. And what better reason could there be than that?

Be seeing you!

Trump and Churchill

Not long ago, it was revealed that Mr. Trump has been lying to the American people about the severity of the COVID-19 crisis. The lies were on tape, with Trump's full knowledge and consent, as he participated 18 interviews with Bob Woodward. 

It took about a day for conservative media and Trump's accomplices in the government to come up with their defense. Since they couldn't claim it was fake (it was Trump on tape, after all) what they settled on was the President was being a responsible leader by trying to calm the nation. You know, like Churchill or FDR. 

That's not MY comparison. That was theirs. Donald Trump is like Winston Churchill. 

So what I've done is given you an excerpt of one of Churchill's most famous speeches. Then I imagined how Trump would have delivered it during the early months of the Coronavirus crisis. 

Last part of Churchill’s “Blood, Toil, Tears, and Sweat” speech, May 13, 1940.
Given to the House of Commons

I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this government: “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.”

We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: It is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival. Let that be realised; no survival for the British Empire, no survival for all that the British Empire has stood for, no survival for the urge and impulse of the ages, that mankind will move forward towards its goal. But I take up my task with buoyancy and hope. I feel sure that our cause will not be suffered to fail among men. At this time I feel entitled to claim the aid of all, and I say, “come then, let us go forward together with our united strength.”

Trump’s Version

I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this government: “I have nothing to offer.”

We have before us a job. Huge job. Big-league job. Some would say the biggest thing ever. We have before us just maybe a couple days of maybe getting a little cold. Or the sniffles. You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to just let this thing disappear. It’s not on the sea, on the land and not in the air, we don’t need to do anything, it’s like the flu, it will go away magically on its own. We need to not wear masks, because that is a monster tyranny, like social distancing, never made any more bigly in the big bad book of human badness. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in words. The best words: It is my re-election victory, my re-election victory at all costs, my re-election victory in spite of all deaths, my re-election victory, however long and ridiculous my tie may be; for without  my re-election victory, there is no survival. For me, at least. Let that be realised; no survival for the Trump Real Estate Empire, no survival for all that the Trump Properties has stood for (which is huge gold-plated casinos that go bankrupt), no survival for my urges when it comes to television and being spanked by porn stars, that my kind will move forward towards its goal. Of making myself and my family rich. But I take up my task with buoy...boyoy...boy-ar-dee and hope. I feel sure that our cause will make you suffer. At this time I feel entitled to claim all, and I say, “ “It’s going to disappear. One day it’s like a miracle—it will disappear.” And anyone who dies from this fake news China virus is a loser. Thank you, and may God bress the Unitit Shashe of Ur-murca.

AMERICA: Hello? Teachers? Hi, it’s America. Yeah, it’s been a while since we talked. So, how are you doing? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Listen, if I can just interrupt--I don’t really care. I was just being polite. Yeah. Well, I’ll tell you why I’m calling. So, I need a favor. Yes, another one. Well, it’s kind of a big one. But you have to admit, I’ve been great to you so far, right? What? I haven’t? Well...what about when I said ketchup was a vegetable in school lunches? Wasn’t that a good--no? Well, anyway, here’s the favor. You know how I undertook the grand human endeavor of stating that every American would receive a quality education that surpassed anything in human history? And you remember how I hired the best people to accomplish that? And you remember how I said I wasn’t really going to pay you tremendous amounts of money, partially because I could only get the womenfolk to do it in the beginning? ‘Member that? Oh, you do? Well. I’m going to add just a tiny new wrinkle to the job. Remember how I kept adding students to your classes until it’s nearly impossible to make any significant human connection and your expertise and skill is spread out and diluted? No, I’m not going to reduce the number. What a funny notion! No, we’re going to make it where you won’t actually be with them. No, you heard me right. They’ll be at their homes. I’m perfectly serious. No, this isn’t a joke. You will be one place and they will be in other places. Oh, except in some districts in the nation--some places, I’m going to just toss them all back at you and hope that this COVID thing I’ve been hearing about doesn’t turn out to be real. So I--listen, you’ve got to stop laughing. I’m being totally serious. Yes, that’s how it’s going to be. For as long as I keep deciding that wearing masks and going to crowded bars is more important than public health, that’s how long. And here we go with the laughing again. I’ll wait. Finished? Okay. So do everything you used to be doing, just do it from a distance. I’ll call it “Distance Learning.” Sounds good, right? What? Good Lord no, of course we’re not going to take anything away. Matter of fact, funny you should mention that. I’ll tell you why. You know how way back at the beginning school was just the “three R’s?” Reading, ‘Riting, and ‘Rithmatic? Huh. No, I guess it wasn’t a good sign that two of the three of those didn’t actually start with “R.” That was probably a red flag. But listen. So that’s how it was way, way back? And then I added in a whole bunch of other stuff? Science, history, world language, visual, performing, and practical arts, physical fitness, health, sex ed...sheesh, remember that? When I said that schools ought to teach that, because I was noticing that kids were getting all kinds of weird, inaccurate stuff about...I’m getting to the point. My point is that I keep asking you to do more and more. Not just teach academic subjects, but also artistic and athletic ones, too. And hold big-time sports games. And musical concerts. And plays. And art exhibits, robotics teams, debate squads, cheerleaders, reserve officer training corps for future soldiers, firefighting training and stuff? And remember how I said you were responsible for feeding kids, checking them for lice, making sure they weren’t bullied or becoming bullies? Making sure they were safe on campus--in many cases, that being the only safe place they know? Remember how I asked you to love them, even when no one else would? Remember how I asked you to shield them from harm?

Remember how I asked you to die for them at Columbine? Red Lake High? Sandy Hook? Saugus High School?

I’m here to ask for more. 

I need you to do everything you used to do--the whole list--and do it from a distance. I need you to look out for their emotional health while you teach them. I need you to make sure they are accountable but do it in a nurturing way. I need you to do it using technology you and they barely understand. I need you to be on the lookout for and help students with special needs, language barriers, emotional disturbances, monetary challenges, and signs of abuse. I need you to find a way to nurture students who are searching for themselves, their sexual identities, their racial identities. I need you to guide them in their quest for a place in this nation and this world--a world that all too often is cold, unwelcoming, and dark. 

No, there’s no raise involved. No, there’s no extra time. Look, you already get summers off. Yes, I realize you didn’t get THIS summer off, but you got paid for all the training you did, right? No? Oh. Well, you still get summers off normally. And some other breaks. Yes, I know you’re not paid for that time. Well, you will at least have the thanks of a grateful nation. What’s that? You hear people screaming at you that you’re lazy, you don’t produce goods, you want to stay at home and relax? You have seen people post stuff about how the Union is a terrible thing, and you should feel lucky to have a job at all, since you obviously can’t actually DO anything? 

I didn’t know that. So what am I asking? I’m asking all of that. No, I’m afraid I’m not offering anything else. Nope. No raise. And I guess respect is kind of dying out, too. You have to understand, parents are pretty mad about, well, everything, and who better to take it out on than you guys? You have to admit, you guys put up with pretty much anything. 

So, what do you say? Can you do me this favor?

TEACHERS: Show me to my students.

AMERICA: I knew I could count on you. 

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